OFFICIAL EVICTION NOTICE

Leave (Get Out)

TO: Pernicious Prostate Cancer
RE: Illegal Squatting

This is your 45-day notice – you are hereby ORDERED to vacate the premises effective no later than December 8, 2025, at 7:30 AM.

Your lease violations include: unauthorized and unscheduled cell division in non-zoned areas; willful disruption of peace and tranquility (violation of the Anxiety-Free Living Act); blatant ageism (targeting a body that’s doing just fine, thank you very much); failure to remit rent or contribute to the overall wellness and maintenance of the premises; malicious, premeditated destruction of property with intent to cause harm, and other various homophobic behavior.

Dr. Reiter, the Director of the Prostate Cancer Program at UCLA will escort you out. Any attempt to return will be met with extreme prejudice.

Consider this your final warning: VACATE THE PREMISES.

Signed,
- Management

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It’s been a while since I posted, but the time has come for an update. I’m about 45 days out from surgery to remove my prostate, and everything is getting very, very real.

The weight loss started after my diagnosis in March, but not intentionally. At first, it was just pure and utter anxiety—what was going to happen, what was the treatment, who were the doctors, when was everything happening, and who would I be when it was all over?

So every time a friend mentioned how good I looked or how much weight I’d lost, it was… complicated. One side of my brain was like 💅🏻. But the rest of my head was just screaming, “You’re losing weight because you’re completely and utterly overwhelmed!… FROM CANCER!”

The real turning point came in June when I met with my surgeon. Before leaving the room, he glanced at my belly and said, “You may want to lose some weight if you can.” For whatever reason, that was all the fuel I needed to turn this around.

Now, I’m down over 62 lbs since the beginning of the year. I’ve basically become a gym rat, hitting the elliptical 6 or 7 days a week and working on strength with a trainer. My blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is good, and my mood is good. It’s almost like all that advice about being healthy actually works. Crazy.

The other day, someone asked me what brand of Ozempic I’m on. I won’t lie, that felt amazing (despite them being a shady bitch for asking).

Let’s be clear: I’m not dying. But if you’re a redneck like me, you can’t help but have Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” stuck in your head on repeat. So, I went skyyyyyyy diving. I’m probably not going to make it to the Rocky Mountains or ride a bull, but I am making the most of the time I have before surgery.

I can’t wait to keep living like I was dying long after I recover.

The Journey Continues,

-rp